The title will be made clear in due course my dear Pirate as I fill you in on the chaos that is Auntie Doris.
Auntie Doris is not an early riser and so I had a relatively stress free morning within which I managed to get the A-lister to set on time, check and update a few client websites and do an online grocery shop. I should say at this point that I had no idea what Aunties Doris does or does not eat so I went for lots of staples and figured that I could get the fresh meat and veg from the village when I knew more. All the boys were pre-warned and in fact all I needed to say to the Dashing Major was that she was an older, less rabid version of Luscious Lydia.
He sighed.
This of course would make no sense to the A-lister and Piotr the Protective so I simply said that she was a little flirtatious and left it at that. They would have to learn for themselves.
So just after lunch the parents' car pulled up and out glided Auntie Doris closely followed by an impressive amount of Louis Vuitton matching luggage. She had clearly packed for more than a few days. In fact at that point I was quite concerned that she may have moved out entirely.
I went out to meet the car and was greeted with lots of hugs and kisses and compliments; the usual auntie stuff including smudges of red lipstick left behind on my face. She loved the house (we were still outside), she missed me terribly (we hardly kept in touch other than birthdays and Xmas), I so reminded her of herself 10 years ago (we couldn't look any different and there is a good 30 years between us so I'm clearly not weathering well) and where was this lovely man she had heard so much about (AHA!).
That lovely man had decided that today was a good day to give Farmer Jim a hand over at his farm. The two had struck up quite a friendship not long after he moved in and he was becoming quite enamoured with sheep farming. When Farmer Jim needs some heavy lifting or just an extra pair of hands he has taken to calling on the Dashing Major. Even Piotr the Protective has been roped in on occasion. Piotr is not too keen on sheep though and has a theory that they are the spawn of Satan whose sole purpose is to create a shed load of work and then die at whim. Interestingly Farmer Jim agrees with him on that one.
On explaining that the lovely man was busy elsewhere Auntie Doris briefly looked disappointed and then quickly rallied declaring that we should all go inside and have a nice cup of tea. She strode into the house as if we were the guests and she was the hostess. Great! That gave the parents the briefest of moments to apologise and to promise to come back and collect her in a couple of days. I made them Pinkie Promise that one and threatened to rocket launch the Father-dearest's precious shed with my new found blowing up skills if they broke it.
I won't bore you with the detail of the afternoon suffice to say that she inspected every room, including everyone else's bedrooms, declared her allotted bedroom too sunny and then moved herself to the remaining one which just happened to be next door to our bedroom. She then set about rearranging things in her room before declaring that she needed a nap as she was quite exhausted from having to sort things out.
Flights to Toronto are incredibly cheap if you are prepared to go via Dublin and Iceland did you know? However, if I flew from Manchester I could miss out the Dublin stop and simply go via Iceland. Just saying.
I had however, pre nap, managed to ascertain her dietary requirements and so nipped to the village and spent a pleasant hour or so picking up bits and pieces from the local shops. In so doing I also found out that Mrs W was expecting her sixth, yes sixth, child (I have no idea who she is) and that the doctor's surgery has employed the most incompetent receptionist the world has ever known (I don't use that surgery although I had thought of moving there but maybe not now).
On return to the house Auntie Doris was still napping and so I managed to get a little bit more work done before the return of the Dashing Major. He looked like he had been wrestling sheep to be honest and so went up to shower and change. It must have been 10 mins or so later that I heard the commotion. It appears that mid shower he became aware that there was a small woman in her late 50's in the bathroom. Uninvited, unheralded and without good cause.
I ran upstairs to find out what was going on only to find a very apologetic Auntie Doris claiming the defence of being disorientated post nap. Whilst still stood in our bathroom. Clearly not for leaving. Nor for handing the Dashing Major a towel who was still trapped in the shower trying to cover his dignity. I firmly led her out of our bathroom and downstairs, allowing the Dashing Major the opportunity to escape and dress.
As an aside she is now referring to him as that lovely large man which I'm trying not to overthink as clearly he is way over 6ft but then there is the suspicion ...
Anyway moving on.
So that incident has not got them off on a good footing. Well I say that but it is only the Dashing Major who is upset by it. Auntie Doris is oblivious and has set about following him around the house so that she can really get to know you dear. Now that you are family.
I think we may be booking two tickets to Toronto.
I also think that text messages may have been exchanged because the A-lister is out for dinner with some colleagues and Piotr the Protective is having a quiet night in.
But not before stealthily delivering a couple of hastily made wooden wedges to jam behind bedroom doors to keep out peeping aunties.
More later.
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