That might be slightly overstating it but my goodness it was a painful process that I'm not sure I'm going to repeat.
Please carry on sleuthing on the Felonious Feliks front by the way. If he is trying to get out, and if he isn't going to be a risk to Piotr the Protective, then I would really like us to help him if we can.
Okay so back to the Agatha Christie as I am now affectionately thinking of this last weekend.
I had what, at the time, seemed like an excellent idea. Obviously I was not in the cellar and therefore could not comment on what had gone on down there that had sent Sucking-lemons Cynthia's husband bursting into the drawing room and requiring an ambulance. However, I knew a man who could. So I thought it might be an idea to ask the Dashing Major to recount his experiences which I would then record and transcribe. I'm not sure it was altogether successful but I am going to include it because if nothing else I think it will amuse you. I will say before you start reading it that I had explained to him why I wanted to do this and he already knew about our blog from the time that I had alarmed you with my Piotr avec le hammer cliff-hanger
[recording commences]
L: Okay so how do you want to do this? Do you think that it would be easiest for you to just start at the beginning and recount what went on down there or do you need me to ask questions? What will work for you?
DM: [audible sigh] If I'm being honest with you I have no idea what is happening and why you are recording our conversation.
L: Because I need a first hand account of what happened in the cellar for the blog and you said that you were up for this. Have you changed your mind?
DM: But I've told you what happened down there. Honestly, *****, I don't understand what you are trying to achieve with this.
L: [audible sigh and speaking slowly] I want you to talk me through what happened in the cellar, giving me your impression, fleshing it out if you will, and then I'll transcribe our conversation and include it in the blog so that ...... so that he gets your first hand account of the cellar goings on.
DM: Why did you stop there? Why didn't you say his name?
L: Because we use nicknames in the blog and it will make it a lot easier to transcribe this if I don't have to go over it later and take out the real names to add in the nicknames.
DM: Do I have a nickname in your blog?
L: [swears] Yes of course you do. Actually that is a good point. I may have to give you the nicknames of the people in the cellar so that you use them rather than their real names.
DM: So what's my nickname?
L: What?! You're unlikely to refer to yourself in all this so why would you need to know or use your nickname?
DM: Not thinking of using it - just curious as to what it is. And did you come up with it or ......
L: Please stop saying his name! He is the Pirate. Just call him the Pirate.
DM: What the ....!! [laughs] Actually, yes, [laughs] I can see that. You came up with that though didn't you?
L: Yes of course I did! He's unlikely to call himself that is he? Now can we get on?!
DM: What's your nickname?
L: Are you going to refer to me in your recollection? Did I come up at all in conversation down there? Because if I did you haven't mentioned it so far.
DM: You're blushing.
L: You do know that pointing out someone is blushing only serves to make them feel more awkward and more likely to carry on blushing don't you?
DM: And your nickname is?
L: If it comes up then I'll tell you. Now can we get on?!!
DM: Is it Sexy Sadie?
L: [angry tone] Why the merry **** would it be Sexy Sadie? Do you think I think of myself as Sexy Sadie?! Actually forget it!! Just forget it!! I'll put what you've said into some form of words and you don't need to be involved. It is our blog and I just thought that you might in some way want to be involved but just forget it!!
[recording ends]
[recording commences]
DM: Okay, milady, let's get this over and done with. You ask the questions and I'll try to answer them in a ... what was it? ... amusing and entertaining way. And yes. I have the list of names. They're good by the way. [drops voice] I quite like my nickname. Just so that you know. If you'd left it to ... Pirate ... I have a feeling it would have been a very different thing.
[silence]
DM: Are you still sulking? I did apologise and I do think this is a good idea and yes, I do want to help you with your blog. You want to ask your first question? Please.
L: Okay. First question. Why did you give me that look when Honest Joe and Barrow-boy Bruce had persuaded the Convivial Count to show them the cellar? What was it that made you decide to join them all?
DM: Hmm. I know that you've changed the names and things but you are going to put this out there so I'm not sure how much I want on tape, as it were. Let's just say that the [checks notes] Convivial Count and I are well aware of some of the less than honest things that Honest Joe gets up to. There was something in his tone. I don't know... an eagerness. I didn't like it and I figured safety in numbers. I don't think he would do anything. He's not known for getting his own hands dirty but ... I can't explain it. There was just something that didn't sit right with me. And as it turned out if was a jolly good hunch.
L: So it was about Honest Joe then? You didn't have any concerns over Barrow-boy Bruce?
DM: Frankly that was the first time that I'd met the man. Can't say that I took to him. A bit brash wasn't he? But I had no reason to think his was anything other than a genuine interest in the wine cellar. After all he had rather sampled a good deal of it at dinner.
L: Wasn't sure if anyone else had twigged that. Apart from Lord Marmaduke and I of course.
DM: Perhaps I might surprise you .. milady .. with what I do observe.
L: Well ... yes .. moving on. So what happened when you got down there? Presumably you've seen the cellar before?
DM: Many, many times my dear. I could tell you tales of the melancholy Count and many an evening stumbling down there for just one more bottle. And the horrendous hangover the next morning. But that's not what you want is it. Okay. It all started off quite innocently. They oo'd and ah'd over what is a rather impressive collection down there. [refers to notes] Why haven't you given Sucking-lemons Cynthia's - I love that name by the way - you've captured her so well - her husband a name?
L: Well he wasn't very memorable and I didn't think he'd crop up much in events. Do you want to suggest a nickname for him?
DM: Oh yes. Can I? Hmm.
[pause]
DM: The Dormouse?
L: Hmm. He doesn't strike me as a dormouse. More of a ... [pause] Insubstantial Ian.
DM: Oh spot on! You are rather good at this aren't you? Yes. Insubstantial Ian. Well Insubstantial Ian was asking the Convivial Count all kind of questions. How long did he lay the wine down for? Were there risks in that? Presumably he kept records? Could you keep a wine for too long? You know, all the usual stuff I expect. And those two started to wander off. Together. Again I can't put my finger on it but it just jarred, you know? Yes they were taking out the odd bottle here and there and looking at it but it all seemed so forced. [pauses] Like they were really bad actors pretending to be interested in a wine cellar. You know?
L: They didn't seem overfamiliar at dinner. I mean it wasn't obvious that they had met before. Oops I'm getting ahead of your story. Sorry.
DM: No no that's fine. And you're right. It didn't occur to me that they had met before seeing them at dinner.
L: So back to the cellar.
DM: Umm yes so the acoustics down there are I suppose as you would expect of a cellar. And obviously we had all been chatting so they were alive I guess to that. And I noticed that Honest Joe was showing Barrow-boy Bruce something on his phone. And it just didn't fit with the ... unfamiliarity vibes they had been giving out previously. So it piqued my interest a little. And Barrow-boy Bruce had gone very still but then Honest Joe leant in and said something that I couldn't catch. Well. Whatever he said did not go down at all well with Barrow-boy Bruce who grabbed Honest Joe by the jacket and propelled him backwards against the cellar wall. Well I wasn't having that. So I rushed over and went to pull him off - Barrow-boy Bruce that is - when he spun around and tried to punch me.
L: Not a smart move on any day of the week.
DM: No. But he wasn't to know that was he? Anyway I dodged the punch and pinned him to the wall and asked him what the hell was going on. In the meantime, Honest Joe scampered off. Straight past .. what did you call him? Ian?
L: Insubstantial Ian?
DM: That's the fellow. So he rushed past Insubstantial Ian and up the stairs. The Convivial Count had come over to where I was and so he had a clear run for it. So no-one was near him. Not one of us. And to my shame I took my eye off him as the Barrow-boy fellow was struggling so I have no idea what occurred but the next thing we knew he was tumbling down the stone stairs and landed with a hell of a thump at the bottom. And there was blood. So obviously I had to let go of Barrow-boy Bruce to get over and do what I could for Honest Joe. But the Convivial Count is quite handy, you know? So he told him to stay where he was and pretty much blocked any chance he had of an exit. But we sent Insubstantial Ian off for help. And he was alive thank god so it was just a case of stemming what I could of the blood with as little movement of him as I could manage until the emergency services arrived.
L: But what about the phone? The mobile?
DM: Oh yes. So he must have had that in his hand when he went haring up the stairs because he had dropped it. You know I don't think we noticed that until after the paramedics had got him stretchered up. Anyway it had slid across the floor and it was under one of the racks. I don't think I would have noticed it then had Barrow-boy Bruce not made a move to recover it you know? Again I can't put my finger on it but it was something in his manner. Desperate isn't quite the right word but it'll have to do for now.
L: I don't think I asked before but when you went to pick it up did he react? Barrow-boy Bruce.
DM: Hell yes! He gave me a hell of a glare then turned tail and fair ran up those stairs. Didn't see him after that. And looking at what was on the phone I'm not bloody surprised.
L: I am surprised that it was still on the screen. You would think that his screen save would have kicked in wouldn't you? I mean the time it was on the floor. Or was it his screen save? Thinking it through it must have been?
DM: Do you know I hadn't thought of that but yes. It must have been his screen save image. Christ! If he'd done that to me I think I'd have had him up against the wall too.
[transcription ends]
And just to finish this off, Pirate, the image was a rather intimate one of Barrow-boy Bruce and the Right Reverend Rupert.
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