The Luscious Lydia test

I do have a poker face. So I was sure nothing registered when I clocked who was with Jeremy the Batchelor.

But I was surprised. I wouldn't have thought her his type. Then again what do I know. Nothing it seems.

Jeremy the Batchelor has never been married. I think a few have tried to tie him down but not with any success. Don't get me wrong. He's not a player. He just ain't interested in marriage

And I think that must be an understanding he has with the women he dates. I've not heard of any sour exes.

But there she was. Hanging on his arm. Saying all the right things.

She is handsome in her way but not a spot on you. She has an edge. And her smile doesn't reach her eyes.

I'm sorry milady but I don't like your sister.

Jeremy the Batchelor started out as one of Gretel's friends that I was introduced to. He's a publisher. Very successful. Gretel flirted for a while with writing novels but Jeremy the Batchelor talked her out of that. Suggested she stick to scripts - she hasn't looked back since.

He is good company and my racquet-ball partner. We rarely talk women though so there wouldn't have been much of an opportunity to forewarn me who he was bringing.

I wasn't aware I had been timing her until I thought it's taken her 1 minute and 28 seconds to see the Lady. And she froze. Every inch of her stiffened. The smile disappeared. And she stared.

Jeremy the Batchelor was asking her what was wrong. Was she okay? Did she feel ill? Did she want to sit down?

She didn't reply.

I'd seen that you had seen her. But all the laughing had caught the attention of others. People were moving over to your group and the view of you quickly became obscured. I could hear DJ Ben say something - then you - then howls of laughter. I think I heard you laugh too.

You were okay. That was good.

Now what to do with this one.

Once she couldn't see you she seemed to pull herself together. She smiled at me. Well - in her way. Asked Jeremy the Batchelor to get her a drink.

I took her arm and explained that it was my friend's party. She stiffened again. I mentioned Gretel Lederhosen and suggested I introduce her. Of course. She has manners then.

She looked over in your direction but you were well hidden by bodies - everyone shouting suggestions and laughing and just having a good time. I swear she was glaring now.

I'm not fanciful. You know that. But I did wonder if Gretel had been praying to her god for this. She had wanted to meet her after all.

Then it occurred to me - Gretel does not have a poker face.

So to hell with it.

I introduced her as your sister. Luscious Lydia's face was a picture. I enjoyed that.

Gretel of course was absolutely delighted.

I'm not sure if I would call it unfortunate timing but just then the Dashing Major passed. Gretel called him over to make the introductions.

I agree with you. I'm good looking but he's on another scale. I think she perhaps thought maybe you and I - but when Gretel introduced him as your boyfriend - well - for a split second she looked evil.

And then she transformed before our eyes.

I have met some pieces of work in my time but she is impressive. Everything about her changed. She became charming - animated - witty even - demure? possibly. At first I thought she was doing a bit of an impression of you. But with sass. With sex. And it was all aimed at the Dashing Major.

What a waste. I could have laughed. I wanted to laugh. I also wanted to throw her out her intentions were so obvious.

So this was the Luscious Lydia test. I could see how some might not pass it.

But the Dashing Major loves you. And he was not moved. If anything I think she was making him angry. He rarely gets angry.

And then something caught his eye and he looked away from her. And his expression softened. His eyes smiled.

And he moved away from her - across the room - to you - whispered something in your ear.

And that made you smile - all the way to your eyes.

And Luscious Lydia dropped one of my best wine glasses.