Just go easy on Piotr. I like him and he's been no trouble since he's been here. The exact opposite actually.
He's also looking a lot healthier and I'm sure he's put some weight on thank goodness. He showed me around his flat the other day. And yes, I know that technically it is mine, but it isn't is it? It is his while he wants it. It is looking very good. I did however notice that he doesn't have a TV. He appears to be using his laptop for everything so I popped in with an 'old' one and hooked it up to our satellite system.
He seemed rather embarrassed by that but I told him that I seem to be watching less TV these days so he may as well get some use out it. Hopefully that made him feel better.
And don't think that I haven't noticed you and the Dashing Major whispering in corners. I'm sure you are probably only doing it to protect my sensibilities, or to avoid implicating me in some nefarious scheme, but it is intensely irritating. Share it or take it to the pub. One or the other.
Anyway, whilst you two were off doing whatever it was that you were doing this morning I called Ever-so-capable Evelyn. This might seem a rather circuitous way of doing things but I want to avoid us attempting to hold a party when others may already have something planned. And if anyone was going to know then Ever-so-capable Evelyn was.
Firstly, she is not aware of any other Halloween parties and was rather excited at the prospect of us organising one. I explained about needing a large venue for the evening and also somewhere for guests to stay and asked her if she thought that Lord Marmaduke would mind us using his ballroom. On the first point she felt sure that it would be okay for everyone who needed to stay to stay at the Convivial Count's. She then threw me a little and asked why we wanted to use Lord Marmaduke's ballroom when the Convivial Count had an equally large room that we could use. I'll be honest I was rather wracking my brains trying to work out which room she meant. Anyway she meant the room the Convivial Count uses as a gym. I must admit I never really venture in there so had completely forgotten about it. It also leads quite nicely off a sitting room that could be set up for dining with small tables and things and then she completely went off on one in terms of layout and plans. I think we may need to allow Ever-so-capable Evelyn to advise if not organise the decoration. Perhaps we might restrict her to the dining arrangements if we are lucky.
Anyway, we have pencilled some dates in for the four of us to discuss as she is more than certain that the Convivial Count will be up for it. I told her to tell him that we would have it catered so it didn't create any work for Jovial James and the others. She thought that was sensible but not sure we would get away with it once Merciless Mary found out. She will speak to him tonight and then message me with his response but she was sure it would be positive.
So the Agatha Christie players. There have been some developments. Are you sitting comfortably... then I will begin.
Simpering Stella appeared a day or two after the fete to enquire whether anyone had found Honest Joe's mobile phone. Obviously no-one but the Convivial Count knew anything about it and as he was not there when she called everyone was honestly able to say that they had not seen it. She asked if someone might check the wine cellar, it being the last place Honest Joe remembered having it, and dutifully everyone went down there and searched but to no avail. Ever-so-capable Evelyn enquired after Honest Joe and Simpering Stella told her that he was badly concussed, had cracked a few ribs and broken his arm, but in all the circumstances it could have been a lot worse. He was still in hospital but hoping to get released soon and he was already talking of heading back to London. The doctors were not impressed with this attitude and had told him that if they did discharge him it would be on the understanding that he was resting at home. This seemed to irritate her husband for reasons she is not sure about but probably to do with his wanting to recuperate under the administrations of his mistress rather than her. Well! Ever-so-capable Evelyn said that it was delivered in such a matter of fact way that it quite threw her. Seeing the shocked expression Simpering Stella apologised but said that it was just the way it was and she really didn't mind. In fact she herself would prefer Honest Joe to convalesce with his mistress as quite frankly I can't stand the man around the house. Ever-so-capable Evelyn tried to sympathise with her situation but in an equally matter of fact way was told that there was nothing to be sorry about it's just the way he has always been and will always be and it suits me just fine. Then, just when she thought she might be escaping this awkward conversation, Simpering Stella confided in her that the mortgage was due to be paid off shortly and when that happened she was taking the little **** to the cleaners. And he'd have to give her the house and a great deal of money or she would be straight to the papers and that wouldn't do his career any good would it. Not with the dirt I have on him! And with a cheery wave and a see you soon dear she was off.
As for the wayward cotton briefs, Ever-so-capable Evelyn had been at a loss what to do with them so she eventually decided to take them back to their owner. She chose a time when she was sure that Insubstantial Ian would be crown green bowling and in fact drove passed the bowling club to make sure. Sucking-lemons Cynthia was still extremely embarrassed by the whole affair and apologised profusely blaming the wine and her husband in equal measure. In an effort to change the subject Ever-so-capable Evelyn enquired as to whether the Right Reverend Rupert had materialised yet. Sucking-lemons Cynthia had heard from the rectory's housekeeper that he appeared briefly the day of the fete, packed a suitcase, wrote an email to the bishop and left. He has not been seen since. The housekeeper was not sure what to do, or think for that matter, and so called the bishop to see if he was in a position to explain and it seems that the Right Reverend Rupert had resigned with immediate effect, no explanation given and that was that.
Obviously we have a good idea what prompted that.
And finally, Plastic Patty and Pervy Percy ... the wedding is still on. They have been seen all loved up as if nothing had happened. Not that it did but it so could have. And Ever-so-capable Evelyn is going to the wedding as the Convivial Count's plus one and is on strict instructions to miss nothing and recount everything.
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