You fit. You belong. And I'm sure they'll want you back down there almost as soon as you are gone.
Hey that rhymes. Hanging out with a writer may be rubbing off on me.
Things are pretty chill here. Another reason for being here rather than New York I guess.
Had dinner with the Dashing Major, as you know. I've said it before but he looks the happiest I've seen him in a long while. We had a really good chat about all kinda things. You came up but not as often as you might think.
That sounded mean. I didn't mean it that way. Just I don't think he and I have managed to have that kinda catch up or conversation for a while. And he's got a psychology degree so has a way of getting you to open up about ****. Between the Dashing Major and Gretel Lederhosen I reckon I'm getting a full course of therapy here.
Anyway one of the clients he was meeting had invited him to some party they were throwing. Not sure either of us ever found out what the event was for but then it's LA so... He suggested I go as his plus one and it meant I wasn't under Hans and Gretel's feet so I agreed.
Jeez I forgot how boring these things can be. They call them parties but you would call them networking events. Don't get me wrong the food is almost always amazing and sometimes they put together some pretty fantastic entertainment. But my schmoozing days are well gone. If I ever had any.
The Dashing Major however is quite some professional. Talking to the right people. Smiling at the right jokes. If I could be bothered I could learn a lot from him.
But you know me.
So I mingled and listened and found quiet corners to watch people. I like watching people. They think they are only showing you what they want you to see. But if you study people enough you can see the things they don't want you to see. And there was so much to see with this bunch.
The client - and host - Marty the Mogul - needed to lose a few pounds if he was going to avoid a second heart attack. Don't think he got that memo. Every plate that passed he took at least two offerings. Every table he passed the same. Not touching the drinks though. Every so often someone would hand him a long, cool drink which I think might have been soda. On the wagon then.
He smiled and nodded at everyone. Even me. Chatted to the guests he considered more important. Spent a while with the Dashing Major so clearly had him down in that category. Polite with the ladies. Not flirtatious. No roving eye for male or female. Loyal then to the wife.
She was nice enough. Clearly had had some work done. Efficient. She was working the room but singling out the significant others of the people her husband was engaging. An eye and a smile on the guests - the other eye on the staff. In between the smiles and ego-massaging she was commanding the staff with military precision.
All in all they made a very professional couple. Not much affection though would be my guess. Married 30 years so clearly an arrangement that worked for them. I guessed no children. And I was right.
Then there was Action-hero Adam and his wife Ambitious Astrid. Both successful actors. He more so than her but you wouldn't say that within her earshot. He was mingling and laughing and schmoozing. She cracked a smile now and then but for the most part had resting b***h face. A row before they had come out then. Wonder what about.
Then it became clearer. He'd be having a conversation with one person then as soon as a young, attractive woman passed it would literally turn his head. An eye for the ladies. And whilst Ambitious Astrid is still incredibly attractive, and clearly has been maintaining her youthful appearance, she would be aware of her professional shelf-life. And her marital one too by the look of it. That was not going to be a fun ride home for him.
Next up Macho Miguel. Very popular at the moment. Linked to a number of popular, young actresses. Leading actor in a number of high octane action movies. Always the hero. Likes to do his own stunts. Not someone we've worked with though. Ripped. He'd clearly been keeping up with the gym work.
His plus one was an interesting choice. Starlet wannabe. You need no other description to be honest. They're all strangely alike in my view. She kept haranguing him to introduce her to people but he really didn't seem at all interested in her. Curious. Why bring her? Then the lightbulb moment. He too had a roving eye. But only for the young men. And one in particular seemed to be sending him encouraging signals.
She'd be going back alone in a cab then.
Then I became aware of Sleazy Steven. Actor turned director. Not because of any particular artistic prowess. More because the leading man roles had started drying up. Still fancied himself a ladies man though. He'd locked sights on some starlet wannabe. Not the one with Macho Miguel. Some other poor young thing who had been brought to the party but promptly discarded. He had engaged her in conversation and she seemed, at first, to be glad of the attention.
I was caught by how quickly he invaded her personal space. She didn't seem at all comfortable. He put a hand casually on her thigh whilst recounting some tale and she visibly stiffened.
I didn't like where this might be going at all.
He offered to get her a drink and she agreed. She relaxed a little. Clearly glad that he was moving away. But she stayed in her seat. Not smart.
I followed Sleazy Steven to the bar. Sure enough he got two drinks. A soda and lime for him and a glass of champagne for her. Then he dropped something in the champagne.
Not going to happen on my watch.
A discreet shoulder barge as he turned and oopsy daisy there went the drinks. I apologised and offered to replace them. Moot point as they were free anyway. They had however soaked his pants so off he went to clean himself up.
Then over to the starlet wannabe and an offer to introduce her to a few people.
Starting with the Dashing Major - don't panic - who raised an eyebrow but obviously figured there was a reason why he was being saddled with her. But at least she would be safe with him. And by the way she was at least half his age, if not more, so not his type even if he was single. Which he isn't.
And then to find Sleazy Steven. And to have a little chat. During which he handed over all the nasty little tablets and assured me he had seen the error of his ways.
And just in case he hadn't I followed him around until he saw the sense in getting a cab home.
Pirate 1 : Sleazeball 0
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