Family

The A-lister is cool. You may need to regulate his gaming though - or set an alarm - make sure he makes it to site on time.

Doesn't feel right calling Great-uncle Frank my grandfather. I mean I guess he is. Just feels wrong. I know Pops feels the same way.

So. The funeral. What a ****show.

There weren't many there. Expected that. I mean there were more than I'd thought given Cousin Hank and Cousin Sandra were there with their partners. They're all real nice.

And normal.

But then came Hell's Grampa's in their wheelchairs. You couldn't make it up. Great-uncle Frank being wheeled in by some huge guy. You know I'm fed up of working out what they are to me. You know in terms of place on the family tree. His son anyway.

But then who should roll in but Great-uncle Marty. I mean the guy looked half dead when we went to see him. Didn't look much better now. But it beat me why he was there. I mean he didn't like gramps. Liked Great-uncle Bojo even less.

And he coughed like his lungs were gonna come up all the way through the service. Which was mercifully short. When we were outside every time Pops' priest said Great-uncle Bojo's name the wrinkled little **** spat.

Great-uncle Frank didn't like that. I mean none of us did but Great-uncle Frank was not gonna let it go.

We'd only just got Great-uncle Bojo in the ground when they started trading insults across the grave. Pops and I told them to quit it or leave. Great-uncle Frank told Pops to know his place, boy and that got us both fired up.

Great-uncle Marty then started having a go about the morals of our family. Started bringing up Great-uncle Bojo's parentage. Started using the slurs and names he was spouting in the nursing home. The carer who had wheeled him in tried asking him to be respectful. That got him a mouthful - with a few nasty threats thrown in. I dunno what they pay these guys but it wasn't enough to take that kinda ****.

I had no time for it. The priest called a halt to the proceedings and got the ladies into church. Away from what was turning into all out war between two degenerative octogenarians. Cousin Hank had stayed outside. He looked like he could handle himself so I figured I could concentrate on the big guy. Who was now starting to join in.

And then made the mistake of threatening Pops.

What is he? Half-uncle? He went down easily enough. My aim was uncharacteristically off though. Stupid MF fell in the grave.

Spark out. On top of the coffin.

That set Great-uncle Frank off. I mean he was cussing and carrying on fit to burst.

I'd had enough. So I grabbed the handles of his wheelchair and ****ing wheeled him out of that cemetery. He's damn lucky it's not on a hill. I would've pushed the ****er down it.

Anyway I left him in no doubt what I'd do to him if I saw him again.

So that just left Great-uncle Marty. The carer was trying to wheel him away from the cemetery but he had the brakes on. He was going nowhere. So he said.

He didn't weigh much. Got him out of that chair and across to the car park in double quick time. Poor guy had to run with the chair. He didn't smell so good. Marty. Just saying. Anyway we got him in the car - none too quietly - and the carer drove him away.

Great-uncle Frank was by the side of a big SUV. Not moving. Glaring. I bet he was a mean ****er when he was younger. Then he pulled a gun. Old one. Said if I wasn't his grandson he'd have shot me there and then.

Don't worry. He was never gonna get a shot off. Even had the cops not arrived when they did.

Priest must have called them. Not sure what they'll do with him given his age. Not sure I care.

So that just left us with the great lump in the grave. We sure as hell weren't gonna be able to haul him out so we had to wait until he came round.

He looked like he was gonna try and carry on. Then realised where he was. And boy did he freak. Begged to be pulled out. He was shaking when we got him outta there.

I enjoyed telling him Great-uncle Frank had been arrested. And of course the cops were still there. He tried arguing with them until they threatened to arrest him too. Last seen following them in his SUV. Shouting on his phone to someone. I guess a lawyer.

And then we could resume the service. With just the six of us. And the priest. Peaceful. Dignified.

And Great-uncle Bojo and gramps were finally laid to rest.

Together.