Let me say first that if you ever do that to me again I will probably ... I was going to say spank you but you're not a child and even then I think there are laws against it. Spanking children. Not you. Though maybe that counts as assault in your country. Actually no. I will let the Dashing Major initiate the numerous protective measures he has dreamt up.
One involves fitting you with a permanent GPS tracker.
Another involves round the clock surveillance.
Whilst I appreciate that for literary effect leaving things like that is a good cliff-hanger you could at least text me to warn me.
As it turns out I read your latest post whilst sat having a coffee with the Dashing Major and, well, you witnessed the effects of that.
And no, taking the element of suspense out of it does not diminish the telling. It saves your friends from having heart attacks.
And yes, I'm sure we are all going to be called upon to teach you some basic skills at least. The Dashing Major was drawing up a schedule almost as soon as I got off the call with you.
Which meant that High Maintenance Mandy, when she and her vast entourage arrived, was hardly a consideration at all.
Not to me anyway - I had to walk off the call to you and was therefore almost in reception when they descended.
I don't think I've mentioned Sultry Suki. She's the main receptionist and all round fixer. She is also one of Wonderful Will's partners. He has two. Sultry Suki was already with Serene Kate when she met and fell for Wonderful Will. It's their story for the telling but Serene Kate also fell for Wonderful Will and he for both of them and they are all together now and it kinda works for them all. I'm sure it would make for a great film. I'm also sure it probably isn't that straightforward but as I say it is their story for the telling.
Sultry Suki is in many ways like Ever-so-capable Evelyn in that she has amazing organisational (organization dammit) abilities but in how she looks and her attitude - she is a world away. She is stunningly good-looking - I mean remarkably so. And she has that don't **** with me look about her.
That has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of this but I just put it out there because she is and she does.
Anyway, a number of cars had successfully made their way through the security gates. They were spilling their passengers outside the main entrance. High Maintenance Mandy was still in the car. And I'm assuming would stay there until she was given the signal that it was safe to enter.
The signal for this would presumably come from her personal security. Two guys who looked like a parody of every security guy you have ever seen on TV. Down to the dark suits and shades.
Sorry I should also explain that we have full on security at the premises. The kit here is expensive and we have firearms (locked up and registered) and bows and knives and **** so it has to be. There is state of the art CCTV and security fencing and gates with vehicle registration recognition and some serious alarm setup. No-one gets in unless we let them in.
So Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber were superfluous. In the unlikely event that anyone did get in the premises without permission the place was manned by people with crazy mad fighting skills, with and without a weapon. After all that's what we do.
I need to explain the entrance. There is a main entrance door into a small foyer. Then a separate door into the main building. In order to get through that inner door you need to walk through a security gate which will pick up if you have any large metal objects about your person. Like they have at airports.
As Sultry Suki is generally on reception by herself she is in charge of who comes through that door. And when the security gate started flashing red and the alarm sounded as Tweedle-dumb stepped into it the door remained firmly closed.
In the meantime, the entourage of a dozen or so had filed into the little foyer and were expressing their anger that we were not letting them into the building. I say we. All they could see was Sultry Suki.
Tweedle-dumb started banging on the inner door as Tweedle-dumber stepped into the gate which continued to flash and the siren sound.
Sultry Suki explained over the comms that for security reasons they needed to drop any metal items into boxes that were on the side wall. They fill them - she retracts them - replaces them with empty ones - you get the picture. Assuming the contents did not include any dangerous items these would be returned to the individuals. Any dangerous items get locked into the boxes and returned on leaving. No questions asked.
This was all in the blurb sent out in advance. It forms part of the company's Terms and Conditions.
Either Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber did not understand English or they chose to ignore her. They continued to bang on the door and demand entrance.
That's when I arrived. I took over the comms and explained that they would not be allowed entrance blah blah pretty much repeating what Sultry Suki had already told them. I also pointed out that the door was bullet and ram proof and no amount of hitting it was going to make a difference. Do as they were told.
Still they shouted and hit the door. Some of the entourage had gone back outside presumably to update the star in the car.
Others stood there, sulking, while Tweedle-dumb and dumber continued to hammer demanding entrance.
I stood at the door now with my arms folded staring down the men in black.
The Dashing Major must also have clocked the scene at the entrance on the CCTV. He had left by the staff entrance and had made his way to the front door. Pushing through the few people still stood in the foyer he grabbed Tweedle-dumber from behind, pinned his arms behind his back, shoved him up against the wall and ordered Tweedle-dumb to stop banging on his door.
Sultry Suki hit the button that allowed me to slip through the door and into the foyer before locking behind me. I managed to down Tweedle-dumb before he could even think of doing anything to the Dashing Major.
Together we secured, frisked and removed their metal items into the boxes. Sultry Suki pulled the boxes in and locked them. She must have pressed the button for assistance - Techy Trevor and Muscle-bound Mike were also in reception presenting a united front.
Once we were sure they were clean the doors were opened and none too gently we shoved the men in black through to be greeted politely by Techy Trevor and Muscle-bound Mike - as if this was a perfectly normal way we greet our clients. Which obviously it isn't. The doors were closed.
After that the rest of the entourage meekly obliged to follow instructions. That just left checking through the numerous bags and boxes that accompanied the group. Everyone was shown into the large side room where there was coffee and water and catering and stuff. Probably a fraction of their demands but more than enough for most of our visitors - more than this lot deserved.
In all the drama High Maintenance Mandy had been forgotten. Well forgotten by everyone but the Dashing Major. He'd gone out to the car - introduced himself -apologised for the delay.
So he led her in on his arm as if they were walking into the prom. No alarms for her she glided into reception and was promptly shown to her quarters where there was waiting (as ordered) the drinks and fruit and set up from the revised 'demands'. Tweedle-dumb and Tweedle-dumber positioned themselves outside the door. **** knows why.
Her entourage, keen to get some redress for the way they had been treated, immediately started to find fault with the catering or the room or the drinks or whatever and quickly descended on Sultry Suki on reception. Muscle-bound Mike had hung around so was helping Sultry Suki to tell them to **** off. Not literally but it was definitely implied.
And in the meantime, I found myself in the sitting room area of the room set aside for High Maintenance Mandy - chatting about her journey over - her (visible) joy at what she had seen of the UK so far and her excitement at trying out the kit (and working with the people) she had heard so much about.
And staring into her amazingly blue eyes.
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