I was going to ask the Convivial Count if I could borrow that book but then I figured paperback would be more practical. And cheaper to replace if I damaged it.
You'd been gone no more than 15 minutes or so when I decided I should probably be sociable.
I changed my mind when I saw Plastic Patty crossing the drive in those crazy heels. So I grabbed a cold beer from the kitchen (dodging Merciless Mary) and then went in search of some quiet practice at the billiard table.
I was surprised when the Convivial Count entered the room. He looked beat. He apologised for disturbing me (in his own house? so English) and was going to leave. I persuaded him to play a game or two with me and quickly ran to the kitchen, dodging Merciless Mary again, and grabbed us some more beer.
We didn't chat much but what he did say made me like him even more. He really cares about the place and the people in it. But I think the guy is lonely. I tried to ask him about Ever-so-capable Evelyn but he was very non-committal. I can imagine it is probably the height of ungentlemanly behaviour to discuss a lady. So I didn't push it.
We played and I tried not to beat him too often. I was a guest there after all.
I think we both eventually thought we should stop hiding and go join the others. I'm sure he needed to say goodbyes and be seen and stuff. So off he went and I gathered up the empty bottles and took them back to the kitchen.
Merciless Mary was busy in the kitchen but offered me some of the freshly baked bread nonetheless, with home-made butter (heaven), so all plans of joining you guys were forgotten. And so I was there when Jovial James appeared and announced that Plastic Patty had invited extra guests to dinner. He did not look pleased but Merciless Mary went from hot and busy to red and murderous in seconds.
I think he's been with her long enough to know when to let her go. He let her go and she fired out of that kitchen like a woman possessed.
I reckon I could outdrink No-nonsense Niamh by the way but that night was not the time nor the place. I installed myself in the drawing/sitting/whatever room they call it and just watched the entertainment. So a run down pre dinner.
You and the Dashing Major safe in the kitchen. Ever-so-capable Evelyn trying to keep a lid on the Convivial Count (who was become less so by the second).
Pervy Percy (and I know what you mean about that moustache but I wonder how you know about 1970's porn milady) was in his element mixing drinks. Huge Boots Bill and Horny Hugh were vying for Plastic Patty's attention (much to the annoyance of Pervy Percy who was doing his best Tom Cruise with a cocktail shaker). Clueless Christine was nursing a gin in a corner and No-nonsense Niamh had joined Ever-so-competent Evelyn with the Convivial Count and seemed to be attempting to reassure him that everything was going to be okay.
It wasn't. But the gods love an optimist.
You guys reappeared and we all moved into the dining room as instructed.
There is a seating etiquette isn't there at these things. Not sure if you guys always observe it but Plastic Patty installing herself at the head of the table and then shouting instructions as to where everyone else should sit did seem off.
Pervy Percy and Horny Hugh were placed either side of her. Then either side of them Clueless Christine (next to Pervy Percy poor thing) and No-nonsense Niamh. Huge Boots Bill did as he was ordered and sat next to Clueless Christine.
The Convivial Count placed himself at the end of the other table. Nearest the door - smart man. You and Ever-so-capable Evelyn sat either side of him and then the Dashing Major sat next to you (of course) and I sat down next to Ever-so-capable Evelyn. Which left a gap.
Jovial James removed the empty chair, chairs were wiggled slightly to close the gap and place settings were adjusted. All good so far.
Food was served. It was very good by the way. Wine was served. And then more wine was demanded. You think she would have learnt from the previous evening but seems not.
So by the time dessert arrived ol' red lips was back. And the volume button had been turned up to 11. And she was talking some s***. But manners maketh the man don't they. So the Convivial Count sat there and took it. Like a man. A very rigid man.
I'd have kicked her ass out of there if it had been my place.
And then she started inviting people to stay over. And ordering someone to get Merciless Mary to make up rooms. I'd like to have seen someone try.
No-nonsense Niamh and Huge Boots Bill had already made moves to leave and cabs had been called and they made their getaway. Pervy Percy was as full of the Convivial Count's wine as Plastic Patty and seemed confident no room would be needed to be made up for him. He would be sharing.
Ever-so-capable Evelyn had managed to steer Horny Hugh to one side and explain that perhaps it might be best if he and Clueless Christine did not accept the invitation. Given the Convivial Count was his employer I think he saw the sense in this and they made their excuses and disappeared.
When she finally clocked that her party had all abandoned her Plastic Patty was not a happy bunny. And it was, of course, all the Convivial Counts fault. Why should he have his friends to stay and she could not? His friends were boring. He was boring. Her life here was boring. I'm paraphrasing here because she did go on. And on. And I'm leaving out the swearing. And the slurring. There was lots of slurring. Quite a bit of swearing too.
It might have all still have ended well. Might. Didn't.
Ever-so-capable Evelyn, in an attempt I think to calm things down, had approached Plastic Patty and was trying to placate her. Pervy Percy was surprisingly quiet. Perhaps sensing the impending disaster.
Ever-so-capable Evelyn was within striking distance. And so that's exactly what Plastic Patty did. Lashing out, slapping her hard across her face with such force that, had it not been for the Dashing Major who had been hovering behind her, she would have fallen. He caught her quickly.
The Convivial Count sprung forward. I was faster. Not sure what he would have done but it would not have been good. So I held on fast to him while you stepped firmly between Plastic Patty and Ever-so-capable Evelyn (now safely in the Dashing Major's arms). Pervy Percy looked like a man adrift. Not sure what to do for the best.
I honestly thought she was going to have a swing at you and that truly would have put the cat among the pigeons. But you took a stance. A fighting stance if you don't mind me saying. And in no uncertain terms you told her to pack her things and get out.
Who were you to tell her? Who was going to make her? Etc. Etc. And then you were up in her face.
Get out. Now. Said so quietly. And menacingly. I loved you for it. We all loved you for it.
Pervy Percy gently took Plastic Patty by the arm. They would go to his. Let's pack some things and she could collect the rest later.
And so, after a half hour or so they emerged from upstairs, cab called, and off they went. To be fair to him at least he apologised to the Convivial Count. Though quite what for I'm not sure - brawling by proxy? But the main thing was Plastic Patty had left the building.
And the Convivial Count was now administering to Ever-so-capable Evelyn in a concerned and caring way. It was a start ... hopefully.
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